


Fix You

by coffeeflavoredtears



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Everyone is a gay mess, Gay Panic, Hospitals, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, John is a Mess, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Philip is too pure, Polyamory, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-07-02 01:27:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15786132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeflavoredtears/pseuds/coffeeflavoredtears
Summary: Alexander is a patient at Acadia Healthcare. After the trauma that was his childhood, he had been admitted at the age of 15. Four years later, Nothing has changed about his status. He still would continuously be found with sharp objects, and seemed to have a knack for attempted suicides. That is, until he finds interest in the two new floor workers.John and Thomas had been dating for years. They met in college, both of them studying psychology. They were both extremely bright and caring, and when they get their new jobs at Acadia healthcare, a certain patient catches their eyes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> !! IMPORTANT!! Before we begin I would like to mention that I am in no way encouraging self-harm and suicide. It is an actual problem and should be treated as such. If you do, please seek professional psychiatric help. This is based on my experiences in hospitals like this, others may be different. I do understand Alexander's, Thomas' and John's relationship would get Thomas and John in serious trouble, but for the sake of this story we're going with it isn't actually extremely difficult to hide something like this where cameras are legit everywhere. ALSO! I will not be tagging individual chapters with trigger warnings as it would give off spoilers to the story. Now that I have that out of the way, please, enjoy the story!

******-= Alexander's POV =-**  
I wake up to one of the staff turning on my bedroom light. With a groan, I turn and bury my face in my pillow. I don't care that it's not going to 'help with my treatment' or whatever. It didn't matter. Even if I was able to leave, I had nowhere to go. I had been here for years, and I had no actual working experience. I had no life outside of here.

I feel someone gently shaking me, and on instinct, I kick at them to get them to stop. It was normal by now. We rarely got new staff, and the ones who had been here for any decent amount of time knew not to touch me, especially in the mornings. I hear them gasp and I smile to myself. Definitely new.

I listen to their footsteps as they exit the room, listening to him talk to Eliza, who I was grateful to for explaining it to him. "Lesson one of working here, especially this unit, don't touch or wake the Alex if you care about your shins and or knees, depending on the day."

"You guys just let him stay back?" I can hear the confusion in his voice. The other kids would always be up in the morning for breakfast, and were relatively easy to wake up.

"Yep! And since it's neither mine, nor Angelica's turn to stay back, you have been chosen!" I move my head up a bit to watch them. Eliza was looking great, as always, but the new guy was- holy fuck he was hot. He had long, curly hair that was tied up in a ponytail, and was wearing a fitted green sweatshirt paired with jeans. Freckles dotted his face, and his green eyes matched his sweatshirt perfectly.

Eliza seemed to notice I was alive and smiled at me. "Play nice. Don't pull the same thing you did to poor James Madison on him."

"In my defense he deserved it! The only time I get any sleep is in the mornings and he threatened to pull my mattress. Nobody messes with my bed." Eliza gave a small laugh before heading off to join the others and take them to breakfast.

New guy huffed and turned to me, setting the board down against the wall and crossing his arms, leaning against the doorway. "So what did you exactly do to James?" He asked.

I grinned wickedly. "do you want the long version or short version?"

"Seeing as we have a half an hour, long version." I nod and pull myself up a bit, leaning against the corner of the wall. He sat down on the desk chair that was 'attached' to the floor. I laugh when he looks confused when it slides against the ground. "Isn't it-"

"Yep! I used to hide razors and shit I snuck in under there. Never got someone in to fix it. Now, You wanted to know what happened to James?"

"Sure. Okay."

"So, in all, He didn't start bothering me until the sisters were gone, and he threatened to pull my mattress as residents are supposed to go to all meals to 'help with our treatment' or whatever. Anyways. He thought it would be fun to take my pillow, as none of the nurses would permit him to pull my mattress. Long story short I broke one of his kneecaps and his nose."

All new guy did was stare at me. I gave him a mischevious grin. "Landed me in isolation for a few days but it was so worth it."

"So that's why he had to cancel his visit last year!"

"Huh?" I was genuinely confused.

"James is an old friend. He said something happened with work and he couldn't come." Oh. That made so much more sense why he was so pissed. "So, how long have you need here?"

"Four years. I was admitted when I was fifteen."

"Damn. Long time to be in a place like this."

I snorted. "Not like there's anything for me if I leave."

"What about your-" I cut him off by slapping him. I knew the position. None of the cameras could see into the bedrooms because of privacy reasons. There would be no proof- save the red mark- that it ever happened.

"Don't you ever fucking dare bring up my family. Not like I have any anyways!"

"Wait what?" I laughed maniacally, looking at the clock. 7:25. Everyone would be back within five minutes. That's perfect. Get a reaction out of him. 

"When you're in a place like this for a while, the real world seems non-existent! My entire life is within these walls. Outside of here? I'm absolutely nothing." I feel the tears falling down my face. Good.

"Hey, calm down." He stands up and places his hand on my back, I slam my fist into his elbow, causing him to yelp in pain.

"Rule number one. Read a resident's file before you lay a hand on them. Not everyone responds to physical touches."


	2. Chapter 2

**-= John's POV =-**  
When everyone returned from breakfast, I swiftly pawned off Alexander to Eliza, who seemed to be holding in laughter the entire time I explained what happened.

"He's not wrong though. Don't think too much into it. He's always been like this." She had said before wandering off to pace the far end of the hall, where Alexander's room was. I had been chosen to sit in the lounge with three of the females on the unit while they got ready in the mirrors, so everyone else could shower and get ready.

"So. What did Alexander do this time?" One of the girls, Margarita I had learned, asked. She was wearing light washed jeans and a yellow t-shirt, her hair having been thrown up into a ponytail.

"What do you mean?"

"Every time we get a new staff, 'Liza and Angie pawn him off on them when we go to breakfast. He always does something funny to them or scares them. So what did he decide your fate was?"

"I don't think I can say, Margarita." She gave me a death glare.

"First, never call me that. it's Peggy. Secondly, It doesn't matter. I've been here for about two years. Lexi is like a brother to me. Besides, you've probably told 'Liza and I can just ask her." The whole dynamic of this unit was genuinely confusing. The kinds of things some of these kids seemed to be able to get away with ridiculous.

"I mean compared to what I heard about James, Id assume it wasn't that bad."

"If you don't fear for your kneecaps don't fuck anything up."

"I have no clue what you mean."

"When he doesn't like a staff member he lashes out until either they get removed from the unit or they refuse to work this unit. He made someone quit once." Damn. This was going to be an interesting job. "I wouldn't worry too much." she turned back to the mirror. "If he didn't do anything too drastic he must like you."

 **-= Alexander's POV =-**  
A few hours later I finally emerge from my room to join the others in the lounge. Without thinking I plop myself down next to Peggy. "So, what did you do exactly to the new guy? He wouldn't give details."

I smile and look around to be sure nobody could hear us. I lower my voice. "He's hot. Not going to scare him off the unit just yet." She smiles and lets out a small, cute squeal. "Just figured he needed to know the unspoken rules of this place."

"You didn't!" She was grinning. She knew my ongoing list of 'rules' I taught new staff. The first one was always to never touch kids without knowing if it will trigger them first. I personally have no problem, but take little Philip for example. Last time someone touched him without permission he had a full blown panic attack. He was only eight, the youngest kid on our unit.

"Hey! I won't leave any lasting damage on this one."

"Physical or mental?"

"Neither." We both laughed, not noticing Angelica sitting down next to us until she spoke.

"So, I've done a little 'intel' and it turns out John's boyfriend works here too. He's going to be here for the afternoon shift though, so play nice with them." She narrowed her eyes at me, causing me to grin.

"Hey, if his boyfriend is as hot as him we will have zero problems." I wink jokingly, suppressing a laugh.

"You're too gay Alex," Peggy said, giggling.

"Well, you may be gay as all hell but nurses want you on a one to one after last night. I'm putting John on it with you." I rolled my eyes but nodded.

"How brutal should I be with him?"

Peggy and I were smiling, Angelica only giving us dirty looks. "Don't get yourself in too much trouble.

"I make no promises."

 **-= John's POV =-**  
As soon as Angelica tells me I'm stuck with Alexander for the rest of my shift I'm ready to go home. From what I had observed he was used to getting his way, and stuck to a smaller group.

So far the best kid on this unit had to be Philip, who was only eight, but extremely smart for his age. The only downside is for every little thing, instead of saying something to a staff member like he should be doing, he would go up to Alexander, who then relayed it to one of the staff.

I asked Angelica about it and she explained that Philip had been like this his entire time here. 

_"He had a panic attack that night and because the staff were busy dealing with another resident, Alexander had been the one to calm him down. Since then he's always been extremely attached to him. I guess it works out perfectly though. He's had quite a few less attempts since Philip got here six months ago."_

_"Six months? And, what do you mean 'fewer attempts'?"_

_"Alexander had one hell of a childhood, and he gets super bad episodes where he needs to have someone keep an eye on him. He's extremely suicidal as a result, and the psychiatrist refuses to change his meds."_

_"That must suck. He's only three years younger than me."_

_"I was new when he came. He may not notice it, but he's made a lot of progress. When he first arrived he refused to talk to anyone. To the point where the nurses began to think he was mute. Since you only look mildly annoyed about being his one on one, I'd assume he must like you."_

_"Why does everyone keep saying that?"_

_"The only people he's relatively nice to here are Peggy, Philip, and Eliza. He doesn't mind me all that much, but it's a long story."_

I felt bad for the guy. He seemed like a decent person, and the way he was with Philip was honestly adorable. I watched them from my seat, a little ways away from them, close enough I can make out the conversation, but far enough it wasn't like I was hovering too much.

"Come on Pegs! You don't need to stay back today just because I'm a dumbass." Alexander siad, crossing his arms.

"Nope! Besides. We're only going to pizza. It's never fun." I watched Margarita- no. Peggy kick him under the table. Philip seemed oblivious, but there was a small smile on Alexander's face.

"But Peggy! I don't want to go to pizza alone! You always convince Eliza to get dessert Pizza!" Philip huffed, pouting.

"Yeah Peggy! You just going to say no to Pip?" Peggy grinned from ear to ear. "Oh good Peggy no."

"Show me how to say no to this! I don't know how to say no to this. Oh my God she looks so helpless. And her body's screaming hell yes!" Peggy was giggling by the end.

"Peggy no. I should have known asking for Angie to get a recording of Miranda would result in this."

"You do the same thing! And the actor who plays Jasmine is fucking- freaking hot!"

"Alex what does fucking mean?" Philip questioned. I tried to hold back laughter. He was so young.

"Nothing you should know. We don't say that word. It's a bad word."

"But Peggy said it!"

"Correct, but if the only staff in here knew we weren't supposed to cuss she would have gotten a mark." Peggy smacked his arm.

"Not fair! You get to enjoy your fun with the newbies. I get mine. At least I don't inflict fear into them."

The argument continued like this for a while. I just listened in, trying not to laugh at times. It was entertaining to watch. Plus my shift was over in fifteen minutes. Not too much longer until I could call it a day, go get some food, and head home while Thomas worked his shift.

Nothing bad could happen in that short of a time, right?

Wrong. There was a loud screaming at the other end of the hall. Before I could react, Alexander and Peggy were closing and locking the lounge door. 


	3. Chapter 3

**-= Alexander's POV =-**  
As soon as we heard the screaming Peggy and I shot up and closed the lounge door, being sure to lock it. We then backed away from the window and returned to our seats, continuing our conversation. John looked extremely shaken up. I look at the time and smile to myself. It was always like this before Angelica left. She wasn't working a double today, like Eliza, and the next two days were her days off.

"Don't think too much about it. Samuel freaks out whenever Angie leaves. They'll have him in a quiet room within twenty minutes." Peggy gave John a small smile, but it didn't seem to do much to calm his nerves.

"Really. It's fine. it happens pretty much every day, save when Ange pulls a double. Those days he's asleep when she leaves and asleep when she arrives."

"So uhh, who all works tonight?" He asked.

"I dunno. Why does it matter? I mean as soon as they get him to a QR, you're leaving." I grabbed the deck of cards Peggy and I had been using and started dealing out for another game of Rummy.  **(A/N: No joke, when I was in treatment my first night there I played Rummy with who ended up being my closest friends while I was there, and we could play that game for hours. There were these 2 staff that would always join in. It was lit. Then one of the staff found risk in the staff closet...)**

Philip leaned on the table, watching our game closely. "Peggy, if you place that," he pointed to a card, "there," he pointed to a run I had going. "You can get rid of that and end the round." Peggy grinned and did what he said, ultimately ending the round. I do my last turn and count up the points, letting Philip write it all down and do the math.

"I'm just curious. My boyfriend works tonight."

Peggy gave me a pouty face and ran a finger down her face like a tear I kicked her under the table, her promptly giggling. "Usually on Thursdays, it's Eliza, Bend-a-dick Cumbuckets," Peggy laughed at that one, "Tallmadge, and an extra staff if they have enough to put on the unit."

"I feel like Bend-a-dick Cumbuckets is not a real name..."

Peggy keeled over in laughter. "It's not. Benedict Cumberbatch. We come up with different versions of his name because it's funny." I explained, smiling to Peggy.

"I feel like Bend-a-dick Cumbath would have been funnier."

"Language." John said, though he was obviously hiding a smile.

"English." I gave him a sly grin. Before the argument could continue, the door opened and Eliza came in.

"I can take over in here for a bit. Talmadge is a little late, and Ben is explaining the unit schedule and such to Thomas." John nodded and got up, handing the board over to Eliza. He left without another comment.

Eliza sat down and watched our game quietly until the rest of the kids, excluding Samuel who was presumably in a quiet room, entered. Tallmadge and the other new staff in tow and hoLY fUCk. 

Peggy looked over at me and wiggled her eyebrows. In response, I kicked her shin. She leaned close, whispering "Stop being obvious in your gay panicking. We get it. The new guys are hot. And that's coming from me." I snorted.

"Fuck you. Let me be. Or should I get Maria down here?" She shook her head and I laughed. I overheard the new guy talking to Eliza.

"Is this allowed?"  **(What the fuck? Is this even allowed?)**  he gestured to Peggy and I, and it was then I remembered how close we were. We both looked over to Eliza when she spoke.

"They're both gayer than a pride parade. I doubt they'd do anything." Eliza didn't even seem phased, as she just continued finishing up with her board. Peggy and I both broke out in laughter, the guy just sat there in genuine confusion.

After a few moments Peggy leans back in and whispers again. "I mean the three of you would be cute together." I kicked her shin again.

"Shush! Or else-" I was cut off by Philip walking up to me. "Yes Pip?" 

"Look what Samuel gave me!" He pulls a paperclip with a sharpened edge out of his pocket. 

"Whoa, wait. Can I see it?" He nods and hands it to me. I glance over at Peggy, holing up the object. "Do you mind if I go show Eliza?" He shakes his head. I get up and walk over to where Eliza and the new guy were sitting. I set the paperclip down on Eliza's board. "Philip said Samuel gave this to him."

She nodded. "Alright. I'll make sure to tell Maria. Get him a room search." I nodded before heading back to where Peggy and Philip were.

"Sorry bud! Eliza said she had to take it." He frowned but nodded, walking off to go watch t.v. with the other residents.

 **-= Thomas' POV =-**  
"Wait, you're just going to believe him like that?" I ask, looking to Eliza who had pocketed the object.

"Yeah. It's not the first time something like this has happened. Samuel always gets upset when Angelica is all nice and sweet to Philip but not to him, so he tries getting him in trouble. Philip looks up to Alexander, so he's always going to him with things like this. Or anything really." I nodded.

"Isn't he a high risk though?" She smirked.

"Technically he is. He has quite a few attempts which is worrying, but he only gets bad every once in a while. Like last night. It was storming really bad and he freaked out. We have to follow protocol and put him on a one to one, but when there's nothing to remind him of his childhood he's okay."

I was confused. "What do you mean?"

"Did you read the resident's files, or at least the important information?"

"No. I thought it didn't matter all too much."

"Do it. Don't make the same mistake John did." She snickered, although the mention of John worried me.

"What happened? Was it anything ser-" I was cut off by Eliza.

"Don't worry. If Alex wanted to hurt him he would have already. He may be small, but let me tell you, don't get him on your bad side. Try not to fall for any of his tricks, he's extremely smart, he actually worked out a system with the nurses so he can take college courses and get his degree while he's in here."

"Just how old is he?"

"Nineteen. He got here about four years ago."

Damn. He should be out having fun with friends. Dating people and messing around. Not rotting away in here. Plus he was admittedly fucking adorable. I made my mind up. I wanted to get this kid out of here.


	4. Chapter 4

**-= Alexander's POV =-**  
The rest of the week went by normally. That was until something completely unexpected happened. It was Sunday, which was our visitation day, and apparently, I had a visitor. It was something that shocked not only me but all three sisters. Angelica sent John to walk me over to the cafeteria where they did visitation. When we got to the door, where we could see inside I stopped. Standing there was my father, who I hadn't spoken to in years.

He was part the reason I had been thrown into the system at such a young age. I froze in place, unable to do anything but stare. Just seeing him standing there made memories rush into my mind, mixed with the nightmares that plagued the little sleep I did get. I suddenly noticed I couldn't breathe. No. Not this again. Why couldn't I breathe!

A soft voice pierced through my mind. "Alexander, listen you need to take deep breaths. Count to ten." I did as the voice said, not noticing I had reverted back to French until my head had cleared a little. I quickly went back to English when I saw John sitting there, wait when had I ended up on the floor?

"Alexander, I need you to stand up and come with me." I nodded and gave up on speaking as he led me back to the unit. Instead of rejoining the others in the lounge, he brought me to my room, where I curled up on the bed, continuing to sob. I heard the door close and felt someone sit next to me on the bed. "It's okay, it's going to be okay..."

I shook my head rapidly. "H-he found me he knows. I knew I shouldn't have been so stupid as to think I'd be safe he found me and he's here shit... I can't..." 

"Alexander, focus on my voice. Deep breaths. Who found you?" I was still shaking, leaning into him for some sort of human contact. He seemed to get the idea and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a hug.

"M-my father. He shouldn't... He must have used a different name, he's not supposed to be here..." I continued rambling about how my father was back and he was going to hurt me again, but it had all become one clump of mumbling. I had become trapped in my head again, with no foreseeable way out.

 **-= John's POV =-  
** It was odd to see Alexander have a breakdown to this extent. It also reminded me as to why he was here. It was an easy thing to forget, with his sharp wit, and just how much potential he held. But when he started saying stuff about his father I knew just how bad this was. After the incident that first day I had read his file, and it had been made clear what had happened with his father.

I continued to hold him close, muttering reminders to breathe and that he needed to calm down. It took what seemed like hours before I could coax him into drinking some water, before he started sobbing again, holding onto me as if his life depended on it. Maybe being here had begun to become more harmful.

It took another long while before he was breathing normally again. I thought he had fallen asleep, so I made to move away and return to the other staff, but when I started to move, he held on tighter. "Don't leave me..." He mumbled. As much as I knew I should go, I listened, wrapping an arm around him and holding onto him.

We stayed like that. At one point, he sat up, which wasn't odd. He stared at me for a few moments, which okay it was kind of odd, but what really threw me off was when he smashed his lips against mine. I knew I should have pulled away. I had Thomas, and he was a patient. Anyone could walk in and I'd be in so much trouble.

Yet I didn't. I kissed him back. It was messy and desperate, and before I knew it he had maneuvered himself so he was straddling me. I didn't stop him. Until it hit me just how wrong this was. I was in a committed relationship. I was a staff, he was a fucking patient! I pulled away, my eyes widening. I stared at him, and he seemed to come to the same conclusion I had.

He jumped away, leaning against the wall. "Shit, shit shit shit.... Please don't report that, fuck I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have.... Please don't report that to the nurses I'm begging you." I shook my head and stood up. 

"Yeah sure, let me go mention it to the nurses when my fucking boyfriend could find out. Great idea." I had no clue what had come over me. I was still thinking of Thomas and what he would think, sure, but something overcame me. I walked over to him, pressing both his shoulders into the wall before kissing him again, only this time much slower.

Instead of the desperation, it was slow and needy. I felt Alexander wrap his small arms around my neck, pulling me closer. I broke away and kissed along his jaw, careful not to leave any marks. I paused just behind his earlobe and sucked on the tender skin there. It was placed in a position that was easily hidden, and instead of shame and dirtiness from the low moan he let out, it only encouraged me.

I pulled away and looked at him. His eyes were filled with lust and as much as I wanted to pin him down and fuck him into the mattress here and now I knew I couldn't. I let go of him and looked at him. There was a knock on the door. We quickly jumped away from each other, Alexander laying on his bed as if he had been there the whole time while I went to the door.

I opened it, smiling when I saw Thomas. Sure, I felt bad. It was the equivalent to cheating on him. Although when I thought about it maybe it could work. I'd have to see how the two are around each other. "Hey, is there anything you need?"

"Just needed to make sure everything was okay. Angelica saw you two walk back on the unit and wanted to make sure you were okay." 

"Of course! Everything is fine." I pecked his cheek. "I actually was going to take my break real quick, since you're the float do you think you could take over while I head out?"

"Yeah." I smiled and handed him the board before walking out, radioing the nurse to make sure it was okay. When I got the clear to go, I did, breathing in the fresh air, hoping to clear my head. I went to the car and pulled out the pack of cigarettes. I rarely smoked, but I needed to calm down enough before I went back inside.

Dear god, Thomas was going to hate me.

 

Later that night, when Thomas and I got home and were curled up on the couch I couldn't stop replaying everything that had happened that day. "Are you okay love?" I heard Thomas ask, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"H-huh? Oh! Yeah, I'm fine..." He pulled me closer.

"Are you sure? You seemed off, and you haven't smoked in almost two years." I sighed. I knew he would notice.

"No, and I feel like shit, but if I tell you what's bothering me you're probably going to be pissed at me." I closed my eyes.

"Hey, just tell me, darling. It's okay. I'm not going to freak out. It can't be that bad." I shook my head.

"You don't understand. If I did tell you, you really would hate me. I feel like shit for doing it, yet it still didn't change anything..."

"Please, just try to explain. If it is that bad we'll work it out. Like we always do."

Something about his voice calmed me. So I did. I explained everything from the panic attack to the kiss, and then how it was confusing me how I still loved him, yet also held the same emotions to someone else. He seemed shocked at first, but the more I explained it the more he calmed down.

"Wait until he gets out."

"Huh?"

"Wait until he's discharged. I can't say I'm too surprised. Besides, he's cute and actually sweet when he's not trying to scare you. Wait until he gets out then do this the right way." I was shocked. I looked at him with wide eyes.

"Wait, so you're okay with this?"

"As long as you're willing to share and we don't get in any trouble." I smiled and pulled him into a kiss, grinning as he pinned me to the couch. This was going to be good. Help Alexander get discharged and hope he's open to the idea. Hope he's willing to try.

Yes, this is going to be great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA AND VERY ILLEGAL, ALSO A DIRECT VIOLATION OF HIPPA.


	5. Chapter 5

**-= Alexander's POV =-**  
Something was off when the morning shift staff arrived. I had been told to stay in my room with the door closed the previous night, and nobody would give me an explanation. They continued to keep us in our rooms, bringing breakfast to everyone that morning.

Eliza and Angelica weren't there that day, which was odd. They both had work. I waited for the rest of the kids to get what they'd be doing for school, as they again wanted to keep us in our rooms. I stood near the doorway, waiting for someone who usually worked the unit to talk by.

The person I ended up getting ahold of was John, who seemed slightly nervous, but then again everyone did. "Do you have any idea what's going on? The last time they did this was when a kid tried stabbing someone with a pencil..." He glanced around before speaking.

"Peggy... She was... She was found early this morning. Eliza found her. It was too late..." I was confused, but as soon as he said it was too late something snapped inside of me. Peggy had been my only friend and solace in the godforsaken place. She was the one thing I had left. I fell to the floor crying. She promised me. We were supposed to be there for each other. "She... left notes. For her sisters, and Eliza told me to give you this."

He handed me a folded up piece of paper with Peggy's loopy handwriting sprawled across. "She found it, and knew the nurses wouldn't let you see it. She said you deserved to read it." I nodded and set it down, curling up and continuing to cry. She was the one person I had here. There was no way she was gone...

I felt John's arms wrap around me and sobbed harder. Everyone I cared about either died or abandoned me. I can't lose anyone else. I lost Peggy. I lost my mother and my brother. "Alexander, I need you to take deep breaths okay? It's going to be okay. It's going to get better." I tried listening to him but couldn't stop myself from crying.

"Hey, it's going to be okay I promise. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to dwell on her. She would have wanted you to stay strong, correct?" I nodded, trying to calm myself down. 

"'m sorry. She was some of the little family I have left..."

"Don't be! You two were close. Of course you're going to be upset." I nodded and stayed there, taking what little comfort I could from simply being held. After a while, he had to go join the other staff on the hall, and when he left I grabbed the letter and sat down on my bed

It was difficult but I began to read.

_Alex,  
I'm so sorry. I know it was a bad idea but please get out of there. You should be happy. I couldn't anymore. Lee did it again and I couldn't take it. I snapped. I'm so sorry._

_I don't want you to forget me bus also don't dwell on me. I love you so much. Make sure Eliza and Angelica stay strong. Be there for them. Do what you need to to get out of there. Make a life for yourself. I see the way you, John, and Thomas eye each other. Take your chances, and never back down._

_With much love and apologies,  
Peggy_

I cried. I cried for however long. I briefly recall someone checking up on me at one point but I couldn't take it. Peggy was gone. I wasn't thinking. I didn't know I was doing it until I heard the shouts and noticed the scratch marks on my arms. The blood coming from them. I couldn't bring myself to care. What was the point if Peggy gave up?

If someone as bright and happy as her couldn't take it what was the point? I briefly registered someone picking me up, but I could care less. Maybe I'd see Peggy again. See her smile, talk to her about people we think are hot.

Eventually I couldn't cry anymore. There were no more tears left. My eyes were dry and I could barely see. I did notice the walls of the padded quiet room, and a figure sitting across from me. I took a shaky breath and tried to blink my eyes a few times, clearing my vision.

I looked at my arms, which had been cleaned and wrapped up, then at the other person sitting with me, who turned out to be John. He was sketching something on his clipboard, and hadn't noticed I was 'awake' again per se.

I crawled over to sit next to him and watch, only being noticed when i was sitting next to him. "You feeling any better?" he asked, setting the board aside.

"Kinda... Fuck I haven't been that bad in ages..." I closed my eyes, feeling him oull me into another hug.

"Hey, it's okay. It's been a long day and you just lost a good friend." I nodded and leaned into him, taking a few shaky breaths. "If you want to get out though you need to really try. I can do what I can, but you really could do so much out of here."

"I still have nothing. Nowhere to go. No money... I have nothing." 

**-= John's POV =-**  
How badly I wanted to tell him. I checked the door, and seeing it was still closed did something I hope worked out. I pulled the smaller man into a kiss. He seemed surprised at first, which was worrying, until he melted into it, wrapping his arms around my neck and pulling me closer.

I pulled away after a little longer. "I thought you had a boyfriend..." He mumbled. I grinned.

"I do. I had a chat with him, and if you weren't a patient we'd probably take you out on a date night now." His face flushed red, making me chuckle. "So, again on the topic of you working to get out of here? Because I'm sure there's plenty of room for another person."

He smiled and nodded. "I'll try as long as you don't give up or leave me."

"I'm sure I can be sure that doesn't happen." I pecked his lips one more time before pulling away from him enough to get up. "Now, we should get back out there to the others. It's been hectic on the unit" He nodded and I helped him up. 

"And you have to actually try. I can't say you've been doing great if you start getting worse."

"I know... I will."

"That's all I can ask."


	6. Chapter 6

**-= Alexander's POV =-**  
The next few days went by as normal. I had started feeling sick but was able to brush it off as nothing. I had assumed it was because of my lack of sleep after Peggy's death, mixed with barely eating but I was starting to think this was not the case.

I woke up with sharp, stabbing stomach pains in my lower right abdomen. Hunger pains? I let out a groan, clutching the spot where the pain was centered. I took a few breaths, calming myself. I was okay. I was fine.

Okay maybe not. I started heaving, rushing to one of the bathrooms and throwing up. It burned my throat, as there was nothing in my stomach to really throw up. I heard the graveyard staff calling the nurse, clutching my stomach in pain when I stopped puking.

A few minutes later the nurse, Maria, entered the bathroom and led me back to my room. She instructed me to sit on my bed, leaning against the door frame. "Can you let me know where the pain is?"

I nodded and placed a hand over my lower right abdomen. She looked worried. "Come with me. How long have you been feeling like this?" I got up and followed her through the halls, walking to the nurses' station. We sat down at a table when we got there.

"A few days. It was just really bad this morning."

"Shit. Okay. When the morning shift gets here in twenty, one of them is going to take you to the emergency room." My eyes widened.

"Wait, what?"

"It's quite possibly your appendix." I nodded, another streak of pain coursing through my abdomen. I doubled over, dry heaving a few times before being able to breathe calmly again. I noticed Maria had pulled a trashcan over, and was currently on the phone, most likely with the hospital and getting approval for transport.

The next twenty minutes went by in a flash, the staff slowly trickling in. I was too out of it to care who was coming in, and eventually, my shoulder was being shaken. "Alexander, come on. Car's ready. John's the only one on a double, so he's going to be taking you." I nodded and got up, following her out.

At the door, She handed me off to John and I followed him, doing my best to not throw up again. We got in the car, and once we started driving I noticed how worried he seemed. "I'll be fine, John. I'm probably just sick-" I was cut off by a few more heaves. John handed me a plastic bag, which I ended up throwing up inside.

"Alex, there is no way you're just sick. But hey, if it is your appendix and they have to remove it, you get a day or so at the hospital. You won't have to deal with the annoyance of the unit." I nodded and let him drive, following him inside when we arrived. We had to sit in the waiting room for very little time before they led us to a more private room where we could wait.

They came in a few minutes later to tell me they were going to be doing an ultrasound to see if they can tell that way, and if not they would be doing a cat scan. When we were finally alone I let the pain get to me, a few tears falling down my face.

John noticed and pulled me into a hug, simply rubbing my back. "It hurts so fucking bad..." I muttered. 

"I know Alex. It's going to be okay." We stayed like that, John moving away when we heard footsteps nearing the door. I sat up, wiping my face off as a doctor entered with a machine, most likely for the ultrasound. They had John leave the room, instructing me to lay down. It was odd to say the least, the goop being extremely warm against the part of the skin that was hurting. 

I was unable to hold back the flinches and hisses that escaped me, the doctor looking at me with pity. When they were done they gave me a towel to wipe the remaining goop off, telling me they'd be back with the results in about an hour.

John came back in, and when he did I pulled him close again, stealing a quick kiss. Everything hurt and after the poking and prodding at my abdomen, I was done with everything. He just held me while I sat there, eventually falling asleep.

When I woke up, it was because a doctor was there, telling me they found nothing and needed up put an IV in. I noticed that John was sitting in the chair next to the bed and I was aline again. I did as she told me to so she could put it in, not flinching at it considering the amount of pain I was in elsewhere.

When they left I let out a sigh, curling in on myself as it somewhat dulled the pain. "Everything hurts and I want to die," I muttered. John chuckled, running a hand through my hair which, as much as I hate to admit it was extremely calming.

"I know. It's going to be okay. You wanna watch some Netflix or something?" I nodded and scooted over on the bed so he could sit next to me. John pulled out his phone and opened the app, playing something called  _Queer Eye_. (watch it its fucking amazing) We got through about an episode and a half before another doctor came in to take me to the cat scan. 

John followed close behind us while we made our way over, and when we got there they had me move over before attaching something to the IV and explaining the process to me. It was simple and quick, although the drug they used made me feel weird.

When we were done they took me back to the room, where John and I continued watching Netflix, trying to pass the time. Apparently I fell asleep again, as I was shaken awake a while later. The doctor who was there told me that I did have appendicitis and they would be transferring me to a room shortly. They also said the surgeon was busy with someone else, and he would be in to see me shortly.

That was when my anxiety kicked in. What if something went wrong? What if I was aware under the anesthesia? What if something happened? What if- I felt someone's arms around me, and a voice telling me to breathe. I was breathing, right? I still listened to the voice, copying their exaggerated breaths. 

When I came back to I realized it was John holding onto me. I closed my eyes and felt myself relax. No, I was safe. I was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay. It took another long moment for me to be able to calm down completely. "You feeling better? he asked. I nodded in response, enjoying the feeling of his arms around me.

I may have lost Peggy, but at least I had a reason to get out. An actual prospect of a good life. Maybe this would turn out okay. Maybe I could get out of here and move on with my life. Maybe...

**-= John's POV =-**  
I felt bad for him. Not pity, if there was one thing I had learned about Alexander it was that he hated pity. No, I just wished he wasn't in so much pain. He was hiding it well, but you could see it in the eyes and the fact he was able to sleep so much.

I noticed he was asleep again and grinned. He was so peaceful in these short bursts of time. It was never for long, but he needed to rest. I ran my hand along his back, reaching for my phone to shoot a quick text to Thomas. It was already one, and he was done with his shift at three.

> **From TurtleBoi  
>  Hey. The doctor left not to long ago. Do you think you could head over after work? It's going to be a long night.**
> 
> **To TurtleBoi  
>  Of course! Is everything okay?**
> 
> **From TurtleBoi  
>  It will be. Just his appendix, and they're not worried of it bursting for another day at least. Said it was caught soon enough.**
> 
> **To TurtleBoi  
>  That's good. I'll be there around 4. Should I pick up something to eat?**
> 
> **From TurtleBoi  
>  I'm starving but don't let him know there's food  
> Doctors won't let him eat until after surgery.**
> 
> **To TurtleBoi  
>  Alright. Talk to you soon. Love you <3**
> 
> **From TurtleBoi  
>  Love you too <3**

I shut off my phone, unable to suppress a smile. Now we just played the waiting game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no, I'm totally not projecting. AT ALL.


	7. Chapter 6

**:: John's POV ::**

An hour later, a doctor came in to transfer him to a room. I got up from where I had previously say on the bed, following them up to the room. When they got there they hooked Alex up to an IV and gave him some morphine. He seemed to relax quite a bit after that. He also seemed super giggly, which was admittedly adorable.

The doctors and nurses finally left, and I sat down next to Alexander, who almost immediately burrowed into my side. I chuckled, kissing the top of his head. "You wanna watch some TV while we wait?" He nodded in response, grabbing the remote and turning the TV on.

I wrapped my arm around his waist, holding him close. It took about an hour before he had fallen asleep again, and I just let him rest, continuing to watch the show. A nurse came in not long after to check up on him, leaving once she was assured he was okay.

It didn't take long after that for Thomas to show up, grinning when he walked in. He carried bags of food, and I felt bad, because Alex had been complaining of being hungry all day, and because he was going to need surgery, he wasn't allowed to eat anything. Or drink anything, for that matter.

"Hey love." Thomas whispered, kissing my cheek. I grinned, running a hand gently through Alexander's hair.

"Hey. You should either eat that or hide it before Alex wakes up. He's not allowed to eat until after the surgery." I chuckled.

"Is it that bad?"

"They gave him some morphine a little while ago. He was super giggly and adorable." Thomas laughed a bit.

"Alright. Well then, why don't you go eat your food, and I'll wait here with him. You look like you need to step out for a bit." I nodded in response, gently pulling away from Alexander, who clung onto me like a koala.

"Come on, I need to get up and go to the bathroom and stuff. Thomas is here, so I'm gonna go get some fresh air." I snickered when he moved away after that, making adorable grabby hands to Thomas, who set down the food to go and let Alex hug him. I kissed the side of his head, standing up. "I'll be right back."

They both nodded, Thomas replacing me where I had been sitting, Alexander curling into his side and giggling at something that had happened on the tv. I smiled, taking the bag of food and leaving, smiling at my two boys cuddled up together.

**:: Alex's POV ::**

I felt so weird. After the doctors started giving me the morphine the pain had subsided as long as I didn't move too much, but it made me giggly for no reason. John and Thomas seemed to find it adorable though, which made it better, because they kept cooing over me.

Around 11:30 pm, my nurse came in to inform me that they were ready to take me down to the OR. I felt fear flow through my veins and I was nervous as hell. I had never had surgery before, and no matter how many times they told me I'd be okay, I was still nervous as they started wheeling my bed downstairs.

John and Thomas were allowed to come with me, and while we were waiting for the surgeon to arrive John snuck away, coming back with a turtle plush and handing it to me. I smiled, holding onto it while we waited.

I curled into John's side, ignoring the flare of pain that shot through my body. He ran a gentle hand through my hair, calming me down a little. Thomas sat on my other side, rubbing my back.

None of us said anything, and they seemed to sense I just needed to be held until they took me in there. Almost half an hour passed before the surgeon got there, coming to tell me how the operation worked, and explaining all of the risks involved, which were practically none. He assured me he preformed this surgery several times daily, and that everything would be fine.

When they had me lay down, making John and Thomas get up I gripped onto the turtle plush, hugging it to my chest nervously. John and Thomas promised to get me whatever food I wanted when I woke up and was allowed to eat solid foods. I gave them a small smile as they took me into the room.

They put the mask over my face, and I was out before they finished strapping my arms down.

...

I woke up almost 2 hours later, groggy as hell and unable to feel really anything, My vision was super blurry, and I could barely move. I noticed the plush John had given me wasn't in my arms anymore and I tried sitting up, looking around for it, despite the fact everything was a blur of colors.

A nurse pushed me down, handing me the plush, which calmed me down. My throat felt super dry and I tried to speak, the only thing coming out being illegible mumbling. I heard a nurse chuckle, and tell one of the other nurses to go get my 'boyfriends'. I was too far gone to care, just excited to see John and Thomas.

When they came in I could just barely make out who they were, my vision slowly coming back. John hugged my upper body, careful not to move me too much, while Thomas settle for kissing my forehead. I smiled, reaching out for Thomas' hand weakly. I knew I probably looked like a flopping fish, or like a helpless baby, but for the moment I was going to enjoy having them around me.

After a few minutes of letting me recover and fully regain consciousness, The nurses let John slowly feed me ice chips, which soothed my sore and aching throat. Not long after they wheeled me back up to my room, but by the time they got me up there I was asleep again, cuddled into the stuffed turtle.


End file.
